"I PROMISE, I DO"
Dr. Donna J. Mann
Promises, covenants and vows have always been a part of significant passages of life. In marriage, both partners speak words of promise and covenant to one another in the presence of God. In infant baptism, the parents make a proclamation of their faith promising the raise the child in the Christian home modelling the faith for him or her. In confirmation, this same child publicly confesses his or her faith and promises to continue in worship, study and service. In adult baptism, the person makes the promises and professes his or her faith in the company of believers.
Lodges, service clubs and other groups affirm their responsibility to God, self and to one another. Trade unions print regulations, expectations and rules for their members to follow.
In death, there are rituals such as funerals, worship of God, eulogies, visitation, processionals, words, flowers and songs, standing in line, lunch, fellowship etc. It is also appropriate, and indeed extremely helpful to say words and to make promises to move through feelings of grief, as you are comfortable to do so.
1. I promise to grieve as fully as I can. To grieve is the price of loving, so I shall grieve in preparation for losing you if I have this opportunity, as well as grieve when you are no longer by my side. I do this because of my love for you, so I might go on living.
2. I promise to face my pain, to work toward resolving it.
3. I promise to experience as many emotions as I can identify and then release them so I can remember you fully without intrusion.
4. I promise to grieve openly without apology.
5. I promise to grieve outwardly so that my health will not suffer inwardly.
6. I promise to plant flowers, place crosses and buy artifacts as long as it takes to complete my grief.
7. I promise to intentionally work toward completing my grief so that I can remember you with sweet memories rather than painful ones.
8. I promise to never lose my memories of you in my grief, although I plan to move away from my pain.
9. I promise to maintain certain rituals that were familiar to us so I can continue to be strengthened.
10. I promise to laugh and feel joy even at times when others think I should be somber and staid.
11. I promise to speak your name in the presence of others even when some may feel uncomfortable hearing it.
12. I promise to place responsibility for the turn of events where it belongs and never blame God.
13. I promise not to be surprised or to feel I've failed when I experience the same feelings repeatedly. I acknowledge that grief is circuitous; it is indirect and takes a lengthy, roundabout course.
14. I promise not to idolize you or your memory, nor will I make a shrine with your possessions as that limits the acknowledgement that you are gone.
15. I promise not to allow my grief to drain me of the energy to continue in the lifestyle that was important to me at the time of my loss.
16. I promise not to expect other people to know how I feel.
17. I promise to see grief as an opportunity to grow spiritually and emotionally as I identify and welcome the various feelings that surface.
18. I promise to understand the difference between worldly grief and godly grief, i.e. grieve that paralyses and limits versus grief that God guides and uses to promote growth.
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